Hello friends!
Thanks for loving me enough to spend the time looking at this! I want to testify to God's goodness through sorrow.
Please begin in August 2006, I still need to figure out how to get this in order....
Thanks!
Tara

Poem from Shaunna Hiner, Nov 2007

Dearest Dave and Tara,
Our deepest love and sympathy goes our to you today. Our hearts will never forget your sweet Isaac Almon. On the day of his birth, the Lord gave me this poem in memory of your beautiful son. I offer it to you now and hope it conveys how much our hearts ache with you over the tremendous loss of your little boy. We love you so very much and we pray for you often.

Isaac,

Our baby so dear,

Our beautiful son,
Your finally here.

We treasure these moments

Adoring your face,

We long to remember

Every line, every trace.

We tenderly hold you,

But our time is so brief;

We're desperately praying

We can live with this grief.

So hard to reconcile

That you won't be here,

To be held and cherished

With each passing year.

Our Father in heaven,

Our hearts we surrender,

To Your will and Your purpose,

Please make our hearts tender.

Thank you Shaunna! Shaunna is a friend of mine from Phoenix. We grew up in church together. She sent this to me on Isaac's one year anniversary.

December 11, 2006

(this is a letter I wrote to our dear Sunday school class back in Phoenix, thanking them for a generous check they sent us)

Dear Class,

For the past 10 months or so, my most used phrase has been, "I just don't understand, it doesn't make any sense, how could this happen?" Each detailed ultrasound, Laurelyn's life-long diagnosis in the Children's Intensive Care Unit, Dave's painful past striking out at our marriage, the daily struggle just

to make the day happen....each day asking why.
Then, just this morning I was journaling about the tangible ways God was with me in the hardest moments. To my surprise I was able to fill pages...just the right nurse, the perfect Dr. (neither I planned in advance), the gift the funeral gave to me, all the lives touched, the privilege of holding my baby for 12 hours and sharing him with others, Laurelyn's independence and safety with her diabetes, the cards and meals from those we don't even know, friends at the hospital praying and crying over me in the dark, the pictures I have, the drawing, the ability to walk away from Isaac in the hospital with a wonderful, caring stranger rocking his dearest silent body, all the ways God has strengthened our marriage, we have only been here for 1 year---and we have how many close friends?! My list could keep going...
Then, this afternoon, I found myself asking the old question again..."I just don't understand, it doesn't make any sense, how? This time though, I am very happy to say, my question was that of relief and joy, of overwhelming thankfulness. God, once again, has used other believers as his hands and feet to minister to us. I was able to share with the kids that today, God Himself, provided the money needed to cover all the medical bills and the funeral expenses. Only our God can do that!
How do we say thank you to all of you? Words are not enough. We are so proud of the testimony of the funeral, Isaac's beautiful casket, and now we can go ahead and purchase his headstone! All of these you have provided through your gift. Thank you, thank you! We are overwhelmed! thank you for teaching me a huge lesson in faith, that we don't deserve anything--but God still provides in abundance. He has shown me again the reality and goodness of our God!
Great faith must first endure great trials. (Streams in the Desert)

November 23

How am I feeling? Rather numb, then it hits so hard. I had Dave take me to the burial site last night at 9:45pm.

DJ came to bed this morning around 3:30am crying, missing his brother, and lots of questions.

Dave and I have trouble sleeping, nights are the hardest. I never knew how bad it would hurt, but this time Dave and I are hurting together. I kept the blanket Isaac was wrapped in and sleep with it...the first thing DJ did last night was grab the blanket and try and smell it...the pain is so huge, we really miss him. The house is too quiet without a newborn, I'm getting way too much sleep.

"When I cannot feel the faith of assurance, I live by the fact of God's faithfulness." Matthew Henry

John 12:24

Unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

November 22, 2006

The funeral service was beyond anything I could have asked for, what a gift. The morning of the funeral, Dave brought home a pencil sketch John Fischbach drew of Isaac. I could hardly get out of bed that morning. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of forgetting what Isaac looked like already. When Dave brought in the picture, it was like a fresh wind blew into me, giving me the strength to go on.

Dave was busy all morning getting the last minute details in place. We went to the funeral home and as I walked through the doorway, the scene was almost too physically difficult to absorb. I can still vividly recall the slam of grief that overwhelmed me as I walked in the door and saw the tiny, perfect casket in front that held my boy. I couldn't fathom that this was really happening to me, until I walked in.

Everything was beautiful. Dave picked out 3 small teddy bears to represent DJ, Lynnie, and Dianna. He also had a floral baseball made. We all picked out things that were special to us to put in the casket. I had made a blanket, Dave had an old family baseball glove, DJ made a plane out of Lego's, and Laurelyn had a favorite, small horse.
Philip Martin had a wonderful message. We really hope that somehow, someones life changed through the service.
It was a very cold day. Just our family went to the cemetery. We didn't stay long due to how cold it was. This was a special time for Dave and I though.
Psalm 27:13-14
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord...Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage.

Our biggest question on our journey was, how would we say goodbye? We had to say goodbye to our son we would not get to know, not have the future days with. How would we leave the hospital without him?


Well, God was already there, there was no need for the fear.


Dave and I savored our time with our tiny baby. We held him, rocked him, and got wonderful pictures. Our nurse was extremely kind, Jennifer Hill. Late afternoon we knew it was time to let go. I asked our nurse if she could take care of Isaac for me, and she was more than willing. She had another nurse come in to hold him while Jennifer took me out to the car. This other nurse came in, washed her hands, then sat and rocked him while Dave and I slowly left the room. Our last memories of him, was with a kind nurse rocking him for us. Between these two nurses he was held until the funeral home came. We felt so loved and at peace. Our intense feelings of needing to care for our child, even though he wasn't alive and these feelings didn't make sense, were taken care of. Again, we saw God's hand holding us at one of the toughest times.

November 17, 2006

Looking over my notes, it is too tough to write the details of his birth. But, he came around midnight I think, after all our friends had gone home.

The nurse was sweet, gave him a bath, then we were able to hold him. We were able to feel his tummy that was still warm, and look over his perfect features. Lots of black hair, long eyelashes, fuzzy eyebrows, the cutest little lips, fisted hands, and big ole long feet, even chubby cheeks. Then Dave and the nurse went and got footprints and pictures, a lock of hair, etc. I fell asleep, a friend of mine from church came in a prayed over me, I don't remember much about this except for her sobbing, the dark room, and the baby heater not on with my baby in it.

The professional photographers came in around 8am. The kids and all our friends started to all come back to the hospital after leaving so late the night before. Everyone shocked me by being so respectable to the baby, some held him, rocked him and said nice things. We did not let DJ or Laurelyn see him.

"The death of a loved one is a mortal wound, difficult to grasp and impossible to understand. It is unasked for, unplanned for, and unwanted. It is one of the few events in life that is beyond human control. Because of the depth of the wound, even one's own self becomes unfamiliar."--June C. Kolf

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

1Cor. 15:44b

If there is a natural body there is also a spiritual body.

November 15, 2006 Last day with Isaac

Hello everyone.




Just another quick update.




This is my last day with Isaac tumbling around inside me. I look forward to seeing him, holding him, kissing him tomorrow. We go in at 7 am to be induced. (fast forward--went into labor on my own this very evening) I am able to praise the Lord today for his strength. This is a day I have dreaded because of how hard it has been to wait, and the Lord has given me strength so far.




2 Cor. 1:8-11 We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead..He had delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.






Again , we are so proud of our Isaac, beating all the odds so far, he is one in 9,000. I was reminded of God's goodness to Isaac from a verse in the song Amazing Grace:

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come

'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

We are thankful for each day God has given us with our son and trust Him with what he has already decided for tomorrow.


As for me and my very scared, fast beating heart, I was once again encouraged by Streams in the Desert. This is a poem I have used over and over in the past with letting little foster children go and the uncertainty of tomorrow. It is long, but I hope it is a blessing to you as it is to me.

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er;
The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.
Dangers are near! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His-He knows the way I'm taking.
More blessed even still-HE GOES BEFORE.
Doubt cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me,
Doubts that life's best- life's choicest things are o'er;
What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,
And this blest fact, that still HE GOES BEFORE.


HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!


HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.


J. Danson Smith


I am so glad that God is already there, His plan is perfect, I can rest.


Thanks for all your prayers, I'll really need them tomorrow. Also, the Dr. we had counted on will not be there to deliver, but the Dr. who first found the Trisomy 18 and strongly pushed us to terminate will be in his place. Lets pray that somehow this will change the Dr.'s heart, and peace for Dave and I as once again we learn not to rest in the plans that we have made, but on God's.