Sept. 29, 2006 Jeremy Camp

Tonight we enjoyed a fun Jeremy Camp concert with our new friends Debbie and Ireland.

The kids are grieving. DJ cries a lot. He wants his brother to be able to enjoy the sound of the train that rumbles by our house everyday. He wants to be able to teach him all about Thomas the train, and have fun eating all his favorite foods with him. He wants to know why everyone else who has a baby in their tummy gets healthy babies.

Laurelyn is scaring Dave and I. It seems that she is consumed with a new found anxiety. Tonight at the concert we had to pull her out from under the chair where she was hiding with her hands covering her ears. She had to go to the bathroom countless times during the concert. Debbie was so kind! Kept taking her over and over again. She has no energy and has started wetting the bed. Could she be this upset with all that has happened to our family this year? I'll try and take her to the Dr. on Monday, and buy her a bike this weekend---maybe sunshine and exercise will help?

Sept. 19, 2006 Phone Call

Tonight I received a phone call. Dr. Shirk called to let me know the final results were in. Our little boy had 100% Trisomy 18. This meant that every cell in his body had this genetic defect. Babies with this defect normally ended up as a miscarriage, the moms just don't know this is the cause. If our baby made it through labor and delivery, we would most likely watch him suffer and slowly pass away. He felt it would be in our best interest to terminate the pregnancy.

I could not, would not. My dream was to hold our little boy, and perhaps have the chance at saying goodbye. We felt so blessed at even being able to carry him in pregnancy! How many of our close friends haven't had the miracle of being able to carry a child? We would try our best to cherish the days to come. He was very sick, we would love him and enjoy him while he was still here with us.

John 15:1 My father is the gardener.

There are many blessings we will never receive until we are ready to pay the price of pain, for the path of suffering is the only way to reach them. J.R. Miller

I walked a mile with Pleasure,

She chattered all the way;

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,

And ne'er a word said she;

But oh, the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me.

Streams in the Desert, Sept. 19

Sept. 7, 2006

Today we saw Dr. Hemnifsy and a geneticist at UT Hospital.

Dave and I waited in the waiting room for a very long time. Then, we sat in the geneticists office for even a longer time. The office was interesting, and somewhat entertaining. There were pamphlets everywhere on Downs Syndrome, and stuff about genetics. We laughed with each other, trying to figure out why we were there! Someone had made a big mistake, and this was such a waste of time! The lady (who we were still waiting for) had a buddha statue on her desk. We made fun of that too.

Then, she finally came in and rattled off the possibility of something called Trisomy 18, Edwards Syndrome. Then she shot off all the stats, and the different probabilities....

Then, we were moved to an ultrasound room....here we were again, another long Tennessee ultrasound. This was getting old! This gal didn't act like there was a thing wrong, really acted positive about what she saw. She left, and said the Dr. would be with us soon.

He didn't come soon, and when he did he was still chewing his lunch and pulling on his white jacket. He sat down abruptly, slapped the wand on my stomach, then called out, "cysts on brain, diaphragmatic hernia, heart on wrong side, bowels on outside......." all while I watched my little boy swimming around with the hiccups.

Everything next happened like a freight train that wouldn't stop. I sat up yelling something while he left the room angrily telling me he would get another "expert" to verify what he had found since I didn't believe him.

Dave and I were alone again in the room, weeping. I wanted to go home (to Phoenix with my family), had to go home.......Dave just shook and cried, staring at his cell phone not knowing who to call.

Well, the "experts" came back in, 3 of them. They hovered over me very interested, almost excited about all the science in front of them. Were Dave and I still there? What about our baby boy? Was anyone interested in him?

The next thing we knew we were talking again to the genetic counselor about Trisomy 18. This time we listened. We learned here that the baby was "incompatible with life", and we should consider terminating the pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears. I said no. She said I needed to have an amnio to verify the results so that when our boy was born, we could have him stay in our arms instead of the intensive care team taking him away and needlessly working on him. The next thing I knew, I was having the test taken.

The next day, the priliminary results from the test came back. Our little guy had Edwards Syndrome (Trisomy 18).

Psalm 4:1 Thou has enlarged me when I was in distress.