December 11, 2006

(this is a letter I wrote to our dear Sunday school class back in Phoenix, thanking them for a generous check they sent us)

Dear Class,

For the past 10 months or so, my most used phrase has been, "I just don't understand, it doesn't make any sense, how could this happen?" Each detailed ultrasound, Laurelyn's life-long diagnosis in the Children's Intensive Care Unit, Dave's painful past striking out at our marriage, the daily struggle just

to make the day happen....each day asking why.
Then, just this morning I was journaling about the tangible ways God was with me in the hardest moments. To my surprise I was able to fill pages...just the right nurse, the perfect Dr. (neither I planned in advance), the gift the funeral gave to me, all the lives touched, the privilege of holding my baby for 12 hours and sharing him with others, Laurelyn's independence and safety with her diabetes, the cards and meals from those we don't even know, friends at the hospital praying and crying over me in the dark, the pictures I have, the drawing, the ability to walk away from Isaac in the hospital with a wonderful, caring stranger rocking his dearest silent body, all the ways God has strengthened our marriage, we have only been here for 1 year---and we have how many close friends?! My list could keep going...
Then, this afternoon, I found myself asking the old question again..."I just don't understand, it doesn't make any sense, how? This time though, I am very happy to say, my question was that of relief and joy, of overwhelming thankfulness. God, once again, has used other believers as his hands and feet to minister to us. I was able to share with the kids that today, God Himself, provided the money needed to cover all the medical bills and the funeral expenses. Only our God can do that!
How do we say thank you to all of you? Words are not enough. We are so proud of the testimony of the funeral, Isaac's beautiful casket, and now we can go ahead and purchase his headstone! All of these you have provided through your gift. Thank you, thank you! We are overwhelmed! thank you for teaching me a huge lesson in faith, that we don't deserve anything--but God still provides in abundance. He has shown me again the reality and goodness of our God!
Great faith must first endure great trials. (Streams in the Desert)

November 23

How am I feeling? Rather numb, then it hits so hard. I had Dave take me to the burial site last night at 9:45pm.

DJ came to bed this morning around 3:30am crying, missing his brother, and lots of questions.

Dave and I have trouble sleeping, nights are the hardest. I never knew how bad it would hurt, but this time Dave and I are hurting together. I kept the blanket Isaac was wrapped in and sleep with it...the first thing DJ did last night was grab the blanket and try and smell it...the pain is so huge, we really miss him. The house is too quiet without a newborn, I'm getting way too much sleep.

"When I cannot feel the faith of assurance, I live by the fact of God's faithfulness." Matthew Henry

John 12:24

Unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

November 22, 2006

The funeral service was beyond anything I could have asked for, what a gift. The morning of the funeral, Dave brought home a pencil sketch John Fischbach drew of Isaac. I could hardly get out of bed that morning. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of forgetting what Isaac looked like already. When Dave brought in the picture, it was like a fresh wind blew into me, giving me the strength to go on.

Dave was busy all morning getting the last minute details in place. We went to the funeral home and as I walked through the doorway, the scene was almost too physically difficult to absorb. I can still vividly recall the slam of grief that overwhelmed me as I walked in the door and saw the tiny, perfect casket in front that held my boy. I couldn't fathom that this was really happening to me, until I walked in.

Everything was beautiful. Dave picked out 3 small teddy bears to represent DJ, Lynnie, and Dianna. He also had a floral baseball made. We all picked out things that were special to us to put in the casket. I had made a blanket, Dave had an old family baseball glove, DJ made a plane out of Lego's, and Laurelyn had a favorite, small horse.
Philip Martin had a wonderful message. We really hope that somehow, someones life changed through the service.
It was a very cold day. Just our family went to the cemetery. We didn't stay long due to how cold it was. This was a special time for Dave and I though.
Psalm 27:13-14
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord...Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage.

Our biggest question on our journey was, how would we say goodbye? We had to say goodbye to our son we would not get to know, not have the future days with. How would we leave the hospital without him?


Well, God was already there, there was no need for the fear.


Dave and I savored our time with our tiny baby. We held him, rocked him, and got wonderful pictures. Our nurse was extremely kind, Jennifer Hill. Late afternoon we knew it was time to let go. I asked our nurse if she could take care of Isaac for me, and she was more than willing. She had another nurse come in to hold him while Jennifer took me out to the car. This other nurse came in, washed her hands, then sat and rocked him while Dave and I slowly left the room. Our last memories of him, was with a kind nurse rocking him for us. Between these two nurses he was held until the funeral home came. We felt so loved and at peace. Our intense feelings of needing to care for our child, even though he wasn't alive and these feelings didn't make sense, were taken care of. Again, we saw God's hand holding us at one of the toughest times.

November 17, 2006

Looking over my notes, it is too tough to write the details of his birth. But, he came around midnight I think, after all our friends had gone home.

The nurse was sweet, gave him a bath, then we were able to hold him. We were able to feel his tummy that was still warm, and look over his perfect features. Lots of black hair, long eyelashes, fuzzy eyebrows, the cutest little lips, fisted hands, and big ole long feet, even chubby cheeks. Then Dave and the nurse went and got footprints and pictures, a lock of hair, etc. I fell asleep, a friend of mine from church came in a prayed over me, I don't remember much about this except for her sobbing, the dark room, and the baby heater not on with my baby in it.

The professional photographers came in around 8am. The kids and all our friends started to all come back to the hospital after leaving so late the night before. Everyone shocked me by being so respectable to the baby, some held him, rocked him and said nice things. We did not let DJ or Laurelyn see him.

"The death of a loved one is a mortal wound, difficult to grasp and impossible to understand. It is unasked for, unplanned for, and unwanted. It is one of the few events in life that is beyond human control. Because of the depth of the wound, even one's own self becomes unfamiliar."--June C. Kolf

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

1Cor. 15:44b

If there is a natural body there is also a spiritual body.

November 15, 2006 Last day with Isaac

Hello everyone.




Just another quick update.




This is my last day with Isaac tumbling around inside me. I look forward to seeing him, holding him, kissing him tomorrow. We go in at 7 am to be induced. (fast forward--went into labor on my own this very evening) I am able to praise the Lord today for his strength. This is a day I have dreaded because of how hard it has been to wait, and the Lord has given me strength so far.




2 Cor. 1:8-11 We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead..He had delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.






Again , we are so proud of our Isaac, beating all the odds so far, he is one in 9,000. I was reminded of God's goodness to Isaac from a verse in the song Amazing Grace:

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come

'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

We are thankful for each day God has given us with our son and trust Him with what he has already decided for tomorrow.


As for me and my very scared, fast beating heart, I was once again encouraged by Streams in the Desert. This is a poem I have used over and over in the past with letting little foster children go and the uncertainty of tomorrow. It is long, but I hope it is a blessing to you as it is to me.

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er;
The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.
Dangers are near! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His-He knows the way I'm taking.
More blessed even still-HE GOES BEFORE.
Doubt cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me,
Doubts that life's best- life's choicest things are o'er;
What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,
And this blest fact, that still HE GOES BEFORE.


HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!


HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.


J. Danson Smith


I am so glad that God is already there, His plan is perfect, I can rest.


Thanks for all your prayers, I'll really need them tomorrow. Also, the Dr. we had counted on will not be there to deliver, but the Dr. who first found the Trisomy 18 and strongly pushed us to terminate will be in his place. Lets pray that somehow this will change the Dr.'s heart, and peace for Dave and I as once again we learn not to rest in the plans that we have made, but on God's.

November 8, 2006 30 weeks

I had another OB appt. today, different Dr., mine is out of town. I was thankful to have someone else's opinions and thoughts along with past opinions. Her thoughts are consistent to what we have been hearing all along...most choose to terminate, no chance for life, etc. Again the babies heart rate is very slow, they did more ultrasounds to check the heart for fluid build-up. No fluid build up this time, but he is loosing weight quickly. This Dr. seems to think the same--I have 2 choices, carry full term with a very high risk for a still born with in the next few weeks, or induce this week or next and be with the baby (if he makes it through delivery) when he passes away. So, maybe next week when my Dr. is back we will have him, if the Lord's will isn't to take him any earlier.
Isaac looks great on ultrasound, hick ups and all, he is still moving a bunch. I am trying to get things ready for the hospital, haven't done much, can't stand the thought of packing. My uterus is the size of full term (had to explain it to the nurse, she was very confused at her measuring tame) I am having a bunch of contractions. I'm supposed to go on a big field trip with Laurelyn tomorrow---wouldn't that make life interesting to have the baby in the TN mountains! Dave is meeting with Pastor Phil from church to talk about funeral plans, and has spent time going through music.
Today I will try and sit down with DJ and Lynnie to chat about what is going on. Please pray for their strength and protection for the days ahead, for their tender emotions, that this will make them stronger, for wisdom for Dave and I, etc. Also for Dave's job and medical expenses that are also a stress at this time.
Thanks for every one's prayers,
Tara & Dave

Romans 4:18 Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.

October and November 2006

We are learning a lot about diabetes. There is a lot to learn!

We have seen the strength of our Lord meet Laurelyn's needs as they came up. She never experienced anxiety with all the needles---4 shots a day.

She enjoyed, yes, enjoyed her hospital stay! (Now, in 2008, she still talks about how good the food was! And how her Aunt Susie spent the night with her---they stayed up till 1am to watch movies! Had a great time! She has nothing but good memories of the event!)

I got over my fear of needles very quick----we couldn't leave the hospital until we were fluent with counting carbs, knew a bunch of math equations, and of course how to give her shots.

All the while my tummy was growing larger. Our friend Debbie took over helping us find a grave site as well as a funeral home.

We picked a name. Dave chose Isaac Almon. Isaac for the hope of giving our son to the Lord, and trusting Him with the unknown future. Almon was my dear Grandfathers name. Dave is thankful for my grandpa's Godly heritage and though it would be a proud name for his boy.

Soon after we named him I was angry---I always wanted a Josiah Daniel. I was also struggling with wondering if the world was right---the baby I was carrying according to the doctors was not worth anything but a broken heart. The world told me that maybe he wasn't worth fighting for. What if this was true? Maybe God didn't even care, much less know his name. After stewing about this, the Lord kept asking me to find out for myself---look up the name in the baby book. I finally did---thought I was going crazy.

Isaac means "He Laughs"

Almon means "forsaken, abandoned, widowed"

I knew in an instant that this name was perfect. I knew that the Lord knew Isaac and his name. The Lord even knew how I was feeling---what could be a better description of this situation---forsaken, abandoned, widowed. This is what our child would bring to our life, and the Lord knew it well.

Psalm 139: 13-16

For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mothers womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Oct 2, 2006

Laurelyn is in Intensive care.

When we arrived to the hospital last night we were not alone. My dearest friend Debbie left her house after dark to meet us there. Our Sunday school leaders were also there. Dave and I were numb. They finally called us back.

The Dr. quickly came in, looked me in the eye, and started explaining that my daughter had a very serious illness and her life would never be the same. She had juvenile diabetes.

I shook, and through my tears and gritted teeth, forcibly asked her, "Tell me! Tell me I will be able to leave here with her! Tell me! I am carrying a baby boy that they tell me I will not be able to leave the hospital with. You have to tell me I will be leaving here with my Laurelyn."

Isaiah 50:10 Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.

October 1, 2006

12 days after Trisomy 18 diagnosis:

Today is Sunday. We are tired. We are angry. We are at the end of ourselves. We chose to stay home today from church. Laurelyn has gone from bad to worse. Why is this happening? Why would she be acting so strange? We bought her a bike, bought her a Sonic shake after sitting and eating Cinco De Mayo. She wasn't hungry, but did drink the shake.....how many times have we gone to the bathroom?

Instead of riding her bike, I found her laying across the couch sleeping in her own urine.

Something is wrong.

The phone keeps ringing. Why won't people leave us alone?!

Bedtime. Laurelyn takes a shower, then comes out, forgetting to put on her nightgown she walks out in front of Dave and I. I fall to the floor in anguish---my baby is skin and bones! Something is terribly, terribly wrong. God was going to take my son early, I knew he had the right and power to take Laurelyn from us too.

Dave rushes to the store to buy her her favorite cereal---Miniwheats and whole milk---that would fatten her up.

I decide to finally answer the phone...it is Judy Bigney. I run to the closet with the phone, away from Laurelyn as not to upset her. I weep as I tell Judy why we were not at church that morning. She asks me what symptoms exactly Laurelyn has been having. She told me it was Type 1 diabetes, that I needed to get to the hospital with her quickly.

Type 1 what? This couldn't be! Where would she get that?

I give in and call the Dr. He tells us to take her to Children's hospital. Dave is on his cell phone calling our Sunday school leader, once again crying. Judy came over to watch DJ and Dianna.

1 Kings 19:12 After the earthquake came a fire....And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

Sept. 29, 2006 Jeremy Camp

Tonight we enjoyed a fun Jeremy Camp concert with our new friends Debbie and Ireland.

The kids are grieving. DJ cries a lot. He wants his brother to be able to enjoy the sound of the train that rumbles by our house everyday. He wants to be able to teach him all about Thomas the train, and have fun eating all his favorite foods with him. He wants to know why everyone else who has a baby in their tummy gets healthy babies.

Laurelyn is scaring Dave and I. It seems that she is consumed with a new found anxiety. Tonight at the concert we had to pull her out from under the chair where she was hiding with her hands covering her ears. She had to go to the bathroom countless times during the concert. Debbie was so kind! Kept taking her over and over again. She has no energy and has started wetting the bed. Could she be this upset with all that has happened to our family this year? I'll try and take her to the Dr. on Monday, and buy her a bike this weekend---maybe sunshine and exercise will help?

Sept. 19, 2006 Phone Call

Tonight I received a phone call. Dr. Shirk called to let me know the final results were in. Our little boy had 100% Trisomy 18. This meant that every cell in his body had this genetic defect. Babies with this defect normally ended up as a miscarriage, the moms just don't know this is the cause. If our baby made it through labor and delivery, we would most likely watch him suffer and slowly pass away. He felt it would be in our best interest to terminate the pregnancy.

I could not, would not. My dream was to hold our little boy, and perhaps have the chance at saying goodbye. We felt so blessed at even being able to carry him in pregnancy! How many of our close friends haven't had the miracle of being able to carry a child? We would try our best to cherish the days to come. He was very sick, we would love him and enjoy him while he was still here with us.

John 15:1 My father is the gardener.

There are many blessings we will never receive until we are ready to pay the price of pain, for the path of suffering is the only way to reach them. J.R. Miller

I walked a mile with Pleasure,

She chattered all the way;

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,

And ne'er a word said she;

But oh, the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me.

Streams in the Desert, Sept. 19

Sept. 7, 2006

Today we saw Dr. Hemnifsy and a geneticist at UT Hospital.

Dave and I waited in the waiting room for a very long time. Then, we sat in the geneticists office for even a longer time. The office was interesting, and somewhat entertaining. There were pamphlets everywhere on Downs Syndrome, and stuff about genetics. We laughed with each other, trying to figure out why we were there! Someone had made a big mistake, and this was such a waste of time! The lady (who we were still waiting for) had a buddha statue on her desk. We made fun of that too.

Then, she finally came in and rattled off the possibility of something called Trisomy 18, Edwards Syndrome. Then she shot off all the stats, and the different probabilities....

Then, we were moved to an ultrasound room....here we were again, another long Tennessee ultrasound. This was getting old! This gal didn't act like there was a thing wrong, really acted positive about what she saw. She left, and said the Dr. would be with us soon.

He didn't come soon, and when he did he was still chewing his lunch and pulling on his white jacket. He sat down abruptly, slapped the wand on my stomach, then called out, "cysts on brain, diaphragmatic hernia, heart on wrong side, bowels on outside......." all while I watched my little boy swimming around with the hiccups.

Everything next happened like a freight train that wouldn't stop. I sat up yelling something while he left the room angrily telling me he would get another "expert" to verify what he had found since I didn't believe him.

Dave and I were alone again in the room, weeping. I wanted to go home (to Phoenix with my family), had to go home.......Dave just shook and cried, staring at his cell phone not knowing who to call.

Well, the "experts" came back in, 3 of them. They hovered over me very interested, almost excited about all the science in front of them. Were Dave and I still there? What about our baby boy? Was anyone interested in him?

The next thing we knew we were talking again to the genetic counselor about Trisomy 18. This time we listened. We learned here that the baby was "incompatible with life", and we should consider terminating the pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears. I said no. She said I needed to have an amnio to verify the results so that when our boy was born, we could have him stay in our arms instead of the intensive care team taking him away and needlessly working on him. The next thing I knew, I was having the test taken.

The next day, the priliminary results from the test came back. Our little guy had Edwards Syndrome (Trisomy 18).

Psalm 4:1 Thou has enlarged me when I was in distress.

August 20, 2006

Today Dave and I went for our 20 week ultrasound. We quickly saw Dr. Shirk, then went in to the ultrasound room. I was so excited to see the little one moving around inside of me! A boy! DJ is going to be so excited! This is what we were all wanting!

The ultrasound was long....very long. The tech didn't say a word, just kept looking around and taking measurements. This was my first baby ultrasound here in Tennessee---everything takes longer here in TN compared to the rush of Phoenix. I started to get nervous about needing to leave, Dave had work to return to, I needed to pick up Dianna from pre-school.

I told Dave to go ahead and go, I would wait to see the Dr. again. I didn't see any need to, and tried to tell the nurse I had to leave to pick up our daughter.

Finally I sat in a room with Dr. Shirk. He sat and held my ultrasound pictures and explained to me that he had some concerns. The ultrasound showed that our baby had cysts on his brain, no stomach bubble, and other things I couldn't quite hear or grasp at that time. The Dr. would make me an appointment to see a specialist at UT.

I left the office in a rush, unable to breath, trying to fathom what had just occurred.

At home DJ and Laurelyn were full of questions about the baby. This is when I broke down crying...something possibly was very wrong with their little brother...we just didn't know yet.

Genesis 32:24

Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

...now, in 2008, my journal has revealed to me the kindness from our Lord! Our son Josiah Daniel was conceived on this day, August 20, 2007, by no knowledge of our own!

August 2, 2006

Today we leave for a trip to see Grandma and Grandpa in Phoenix. I am 16 weeks pregnant. We are looking forward to our visit with all our friends! I am feeling good, and can't wait to start feeling the baby move inside of me.