November 23

How am I feeling? Rather numb, then it hits so hard. I had Dave take me to the burial site last night at 9:45pm.

DJ came to bed this morning around 3:30am crying, missing his brother, and lots of questions.

Dave and I have trouble sleeping, nights are the hardest. I never knew how bad it would hurt, but this time Dave and I are hurting together. I kept the blanket Isaac was wrapped in and sleep with it...the first thing DJ did last night was grab the blanket and try and smell it...the pain is so huge, we really miss him. The house is too quiet without a newborn, I'm getting way too much sleep.

"When I cannot feel the faith of assurance, I live by the fact of God's faithfulness." Matthew Henry

John 12:24

Unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

November 22, 2006

The funeral service was beyond anything I could have asked for, what a gift. The morning of the funeral, Dave brought home a pencil sketch John Fischbach drew of Isaac. I could hardly get out of bed that morning. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of forgetting what Isaac looked like already. When Dave brought in the picture, it was like a fresh wind blew into me, giving me the strength to go on.

Dave was busy all morning getting the last minute details in place. We went to the funeral home and as I walked through the doorway, the scene was almost too physically difficult to absorb. I can still vividly recall the slam of grief that overwhelmed me as I walked in the door and saw the tiny, perfect casket in front that held my boy. I couldn't fathom that this was really happening to me, until I walked in.

Everything was beautiful. Dave picked out 3 small teddy bears to represent DJ, Lynnie, and Dianna. He also had a floral baseball made. We all picked out things that were special to us to put in the casket. I had made a blanket, Dave had an old family baseball glove, DJ made a plane out of Lego's, and Laurelyn had a favorite, small horse.
Philip Martin had a wonderful message. We really hope that somehow, someones life changed through the service.
It was a very cold day. Just our family went to the cemetery. We didn't stay long due to how cold it was. This was a special time for Dave and I though.
Psalm 27:13-14
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord...Wait for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage.

Our biggest question on our journey was, how would we say goodbye? We had to say goodbye to our son we would not get to know, not have the future days with. How would we leave the hospital without him?


Well, God was already there, there was no need for the fear.


Dave and I savored our time with our tiny baby. We held him, rocked him, and got wonderful pictures. Our nurse was extremely kind, Jennifer Hill. Late afternoon we knew it was time to let go. I asked our nurse if she could take care of Isaac for me, and she was more than willing. She had another nurse come in to hold him while Jennifer took me out to the car. This other nurse came in, washed her hands, then sat and rocked him while Dave and I slowly left the room. Our last memories of him, was with a kind nurse rocking him for us. Between these two nurses he was held until the funeral home came. We felt so loved and at peace. Our intense feelings of needing to care for our child, even though he wasn't alive and these feelings didn't make sense, were taken care of. Again, we saw God's hand holding us at one of the toughest times.

November 17, 2006

Looking over my notes, it is too tough to write the details of his birth. But, he came around midnight I think, after all our friends had gone home.

The nurse was sweet, gave him a bath, then we were able to hold him. We were able to feel his tummy that was still warm, and look over his perfect features. Lots of black hair, long eyelashes, fuzzy eyebrows, the cutest little lips, fisted hands, and big ole long feet, even chubby cheeks. Then Dave and the nurse went and got footprints and pictures, a lock of hair, etc. I fell asleep, a friend of mine from church came in a prayed over me, I don't remember much about this except for her sobbing, the dark room, and the baby heater not on with my baby in it.

The professional photographers came in around 8am. The kids and all our friends started to all come back to the hospital after leaving so late the night before. Everyone shocked me by being so respectable to the baby, some held him, rocked him and said nice things. We did not let DJ or Laurelyn see him.

"The death of a loved one is a mortal wound, difficult to grasp and impossible to understand. It is unasked for, unplanned for, and unwanted. It is one of the few events in life that is beyond human control. Because of the depth of the wound, even one's own self becomes unfamiliar."--June C. Kolf

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

1Cor. 15:44b

If there is a natural body there is also a spiritual body.

November 15, 2006 Last day with Isaac

Hello everyone.




Just another quick update.




This is my last day with Isaac tumbling around inside me. I look forward to seeing him, holding him, kissing him tomorrow. We go in at 7 am to be induced. (fast forward--went into labor on my own this very evening) I am able to praise the Lord today for his strength. This is a day I have dreaded because of how hard it has been to wait, and the Lord has given me strength so far.




2 Cor. 1:8-11 We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead..He had delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.






Again , we are so proud of our Isaac, beating all the odds so far, he is one in 9,000. I was reminded of God's goodness to Isaac from a verse in the song Amazing Grace:

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come

'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

We are thankful for each day God has given us with our son and trust Him with what he has already decided for tomorrow.


As for me and my very scared, fast beating heart, I was once again encouraged by Streams in the Desert. This is a poem I have used over and over in the past with letting little foster children go and the uncertainty of tomorrow. It is long, but I hope it is a blessing to you as it is to me.

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!
Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er;
The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;
But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.
Dangers are near! and fears my mind are shaking;
Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;
But I am His-He knows the way I'm taking.
More blessed even still-HE GOES BEFORE.
Doubt cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me,
Doubts that life's best- life's choicest things are o'er;
What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,
And this blest fact, that still HE GOES BEFORE.


HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!
He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!
He goes before! This guarantees salvation!


HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.


J. Danson Smith


I am so glad that God is already there, His plan is perfect, I can rest.


Thanks for all your prayers, I'll really need them tomorrow. Also, the Dr. we had counted on will not be there to deliver, but the Dr. who first found the Trisomy 18 and strongly pushed us to terminate will be in his place. Lets pray that somehow this will change the Dr.'s heart, and peace for Dave and I as once again we learn not to rest in the plans that we have made, but on God's.

November 8, 2006 30 weeks

I had another OB appt. today, different Dr., mine is out of town. I was thankful to have someone else's opinions and thoughts along with past opinions. Her thoughts are consistent to what we have been hearing all along...most choose to terminate, no chance for life, etc. Again the babies heart rate is very slow, they did more ultrasounds to check the heart for fluid build-up. No fluid build up this time, but he is loosing weight quickly. This Dr. seems to think the same--I have 2 choices, carry full term with a very high risk for a still born with in the next few weeks, or induce this week or next and be with the baby (if he makes it through delivery) when he passes away. So, maybe next week when my Dr. is back we will have him, if the Lord's will isn't to take him any earlier.
Isaac looks great on ultrasound, hick ups and all, he is still moving a bunch. I am trying to get things ready for the hospital, haven't done much, can't stand the thought of packing. My uterus is the size of full term (had to explain it to the nurse, she was very confused at her measuring tame) I am having a bunch of contractions. I'm supposed to go on a big field trip with Laurelyn tomorrow---wouldn't that make life interesting to have the baby in the TN mountains! Dave is meeting with Pastor Phil from church to talk about funeral plans, and has spent time going through music.
Today I will try and sit down with DJ and Lynnie to chat about what is going on. Please pray for their strength and protection for the days ahead, for their tender emotions, that this will make them stronger, for wisdom for Dave and I, etc. Also for Dave's job and medical expenses that are also a stress at this time.
Thanks for every one's prayers,
Tara & Dave

Romans 4:18 Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.